You're Going To Be Fine
by averagechameleon
Summary: Equius is gone. And Nepeta isn't sure she can handle that. A one-shot that also serves as a chapter of Olive Tears. WARNING: Contains potentially triggering material including mentions and descriptions of self-harm and suicide. Please read at your own discretion.


**Author's Note: Be advised, this chapter of Olive Tears contains potentially triggering material. Please do not read if you are affected by descriptive self harm and mentions of suicide. Please be careful, and proceed at your own discretion.**

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 _I can still remember that day. The day that he died. I remember watching as he bled to death on the ground, and I remember doing nothing to try and save him. Until it was too late. I should have stopped him. I should have done something when he told me he was going to find Gamzee. I was so stupid. I didn't believe that he would get hurt. I didn't believe Gamzee had really snapped. And then I hid, just like he said, and watched from the safety of the vent. I can still hear the snap of the wooden bow breaking. And see the smile on his face as he died. I didn't try hard enough. I remember feeling guilty for being such a horrible moirail. I watched him die. Why didn't I die with him?_

 _Karkat found me. I was okay for a while. After all, he was my matesprit now, just like I had always wanted. I was happy, but I felt dirty. I knew I hadn't done enough to try to avenge his death. The emptiness of my moirail quadrant never lets me forget._

Nepeta looked up from the screen. She had finally gotten around to writing how she felt, just like Kanaya had suggested. It didn't help. She saved it and hid it in the computer, hoping to never see it again. Today was exactly one sweep after Equius had died. A tear slid down her face as she was hit with another wave of grief. She gripped the desk and shut her eyes tightly, trying to stop the tears.

Karkat had left for the moment, and she was alone until he got back. He was always there for her, just as Equius had been. He had left reluctantly, not wanting to leave her side even for a moment on such a day, but Nepeta had convinced him that she would be fine for an hour alone. But in truth, she knew she wasn't. She hadn't wanted him to stay just because she was upset. Now that he was gone, however, the thoughts were returning.

 _There's only one way to see him again. To apologize._

No. She couldn't leave Karkat all alone, especially after he had been so good to her all this time. He was perfect in every way, grumpiness and all. He loved her when she thought no one else could, and stayed with her while she cried for hours over the same things. He let her be herself; happy or sad.

 _It would be quick. And then you could be with him forever._

Get out of my head! She put her hands over her ears, a feeble attempt to block out the voices. Karkat loved her; she had all she had ever dreamed of. She couldn't leave after all that had happened. Plus, her friends would miss her. What would they think? What would Karkat think?

 _There's a knife in the drawer of the bathroom. You put it there yourself. You knew this day would come. Now is your chance, while Karkat is still out._

No! Karkat would be devastated. She was all he had left; he told her so every day. His moirail had gone crazy. And now his matesprit was dead? No. She would never put someone else through the agony of losing someone they cared so much about.

 _Imagine the reunion. He would be so happy. He must be so alone without you._

She was walking towards the door of the bathroom. She have to get the knife out of here, in case she seriously considered it.

 _Karkat never loved you. He probably stays only pities you because you lost your moirail. He would rather have Terezi. Remember how he used to look at her? How they kissed? How he almost left you when she broke up with Dave?_

The tears were blurring her vision as she grasped the handle of the knife. No! Karkat loved her for who she was. He had gotten over Terezi long ago.

 _Equius loved you. Maybe not in a flushed sort of way, but at least it wasn't fake._

She stared at the knife in her hands. But what would Karkat think? And when he found her? And wouldn't Equius be ashamed if he knew this was how she died?

 _Equius would be happy to see you. And Karkat would be fine. He'll get over it. He'll find someone else. Maybe even go back to Terezi._

What if it doesn't work? What if I'm not strong enough?

 _You can do it. You're a huntress. A killer. T_ h _e next thing you know you'll be with Equius._

I'm scared.

 _You'll be reunited. Back to being the best of moirails._

She took a shaky breath, and then began to sob, kneeling on the cold floor. The knife fit her hand well. It was almost as if it was meant to be this way. Karkat would be fine. He never really loved her, right? It was for the best.

No no no! What was she doing? This wasn't right! Her breathing was short and quick as she tried to stop the bleeding. She was a huntress, she could take care of herself. She would clean all this up before Karkat got back and he would never know. She grabbed a towel but soon it too was soaked in olive green. She felt sick and light-headed. Soon, she was lying on the ground from dizziness. This couldn't be it. She couldn't die like this. She needed help.

"Karkitty," she whispered. How much time had passed? Was he even close to being back yet?

"Karkitty," she said, a bit louder.

"Karkat." She abandoned her quirk in desperation.

"Karkat!" she called out. She prayed to whatever god there was that he would come.

"Karkat!" she continued.

"Anyone? Help!" her voice cracked as she began to cry once more.

It was hopeless. He was probably still far away, concerned, but unknowing her need. She would die here, alone. He would find her and he would be torn apart. He loved her. He said that every day. Why had she thought that he didn't?

The door clicked. Karkat had returned.

"Karkat," she rasped. She coughed and tried again. "Karkat!"

"Nepeta? Nepeta, what's wrong?" Karkat called back. She could hear the panic in his voice.

"Karkat help me!" She heard his footsteps as he ran through their hive.

"Nepeta, I'm coming!"

Karkat ran through their hive as fast as he could. It was a short distance to where Nepeta was, but it seemed to last forever. Like a dream. He finally reached where he had left her, but Nepeta didn't seem to be there.

"Nepeta? Where are you?"

A moan came from the bathroom. This can't be happening, he thought.

She was on the ground, still alive, still awake. She turned her head to look at him and he saw the regret in her eyes. He fell to his knees beside her, ignoring the puddle of green around her. He cursed under his breath. He grabbed another towel and pressed it to the cut. Then, gently, he lifted her arm slightly to help stop the bleeding.

"Karkat, I'm sorry," she whispered, "I didn't mean for it to end like this."

"No. It won't end like this. You're going to be fine," he answered, fighting back tears. There was a pause.

"I love you, Karkat."

"Nepeta, you're not going anywhere. You-"

"I love you Karkat."

He turned his head to look at her face. She was terrified, like she truly believed she was going to die.

"I love you too Nepeta," Karkat told her, and she relaxed a bit.

She has survived worse, he thought, like when Gamzee attacked her. And even more than that, he had. He could trace the fine lines on his own arms and tell that she would survive this mess. Or maybe it was just his desperation.

"You're going to be fine," he whispered.

One long hour later, Nepeta was asleep. Karkat had cleaned her up and bandaged her arm before carrying her to bed. The cut hadn't been deep enough to cause very much damage, but it had bled a lot. Physically, she would be fine in a few days at most. Her mental health would be a different story. But that too, given enough time, would heal as well, and he hoped to be there the day she realized that she was okay again.

He felt horrible for having left her; he had let her convince him that she was okay, even though she obviously was not. _Some matesprit I am,_ he thought. The memory of Terezi breaking up with him came up. _Karkat, we're over._ He always seemed to fail the people he loved. He reached over and began to stroke Nepeta's hair. He was determined to to a better job. A dead moirail and a failed matespritship would be more than she could take.


End file.
